Lucians Wrestling Recap

The 900th RAW is upon us, complete with a video package recapping some highlights. We open with Bret Hart, who Cole points out was a big part of the early years of RAW. Way to make him look old. Bret points out only The Undertaker is left from the days of the first show. I’m sure Howard Finkle feels snubbed, but it’s Kane who comes out, importing the bad Smackdown storyline straight into the big RAW show. Kane runs Hart and Taker down at the same time. Kane decides since Taker took out the icon Shawn Michaels he needs to take out an icon too, but since Bret is untouchable the Hart Dynasty stall Kane long enough for his “brother” to magically appear. Kane tries to back off, but E-GM pings in a message. He reverses himself and sets a main event of Undertaker versus… Bret Hart?! No… just no. Stop pretending Hart can wrestle and live in the present.

There are going to be video packages all night I guess. We’re wasting show time on NXT rookies? Triple threat tag match between Kofi/McGuillicudy, Daniel Brayn with Kaval and, of course, The Miz and Alex Reilly. It’s an okay match with a nice quick pace and it ends with Miz hitting the Skull Crushing Finale on Kaval for a clean win. Reilly goes after Bryan, gets fought off, but sets up Miz to briefcase shot Daniel Bryan.

Melina and Eve take on LayCool in another incredibly short match. Melina gets the win on Layla. LayCool offers a unification match as Night of Champions. Melina is all set to accept but she wants a Lumbjack (Jill?) Match.

Nexus admits Skip Sheffield has a broken ankle and they are looking weak, but tonight they face Cena, Edge, Sheamus, Jericho and Orton. Jericho promises to leave WWE if he doesn’t win at Night of Champions. Josh isn’t impressed given how many times this has happened before, but I suspect Jericho will take some time off and, when he comes back, he’d be much more useful as a face on Smackdown.

John Morrison and R-Truth reunite to face the thrown together team of “Dashing” Cody Rhodes and Drew McIntyre to determine new #1 contenders to the Unified Tag Team Title. King puts over J.R. and even mentions “Puppies” for old time’s sake. It breaks down before it really starts and the ref throws the match out. There’s a brawl afterwards but the match lengths have been a joke so far tonight.

And Hart/Taker is next so that’s not going to change. Wade Barrett doesn’t even let the match start. He tries to take both down. He doesn’t even get past Taker. The lights go down and Kane appears. The Brothers of Destruction have a brawl that shows Taker is starting to regain something of his old self. Tthe lights go down again when Taker is set up for a Chokeslam and Kane vanishes. The rest of Nexus show up to face Taker, who actually holds them all off. The lights go down again and, when they come up, Barret has Taker set up for his finisher, which he hits. Cue Justin Gabriel with the 450 Splash.

Jack Swagger and Evan Bourne’s match gets interrupted by Alberto Del Rio. Again a very short match and, if you were wondering whose push had stalled more, Swagger wins, but Del Rio steals the heat immediately with more excellent mic work. After a commercial we are joined by the No Girls Allowed Straight Edged Society. Punk runs down The Rock. He runs down RAW’s lack of family values by bringing up Katie Vick. If you don’t know what that means never look it up.

CM Punks bottom four shameful moments of RAW:

#4 HHH home invades Randy Orton
#3 John Cena throws Edge into Long Island Sound
#2 DX trespass on WCW
#1 Stone Cold’s Beer Bath

Okay, that was the best use of the 900th show so far tonight. Cue the breaking glass and Austin’s entrance music, but nobody comes out. Punk laughs at his little joke. Then he shows Show and Brock Lesnar (“I don’t know who that other guy is”) breaking a ring. He stoops to a fat joke. Show actually shows up when his music plays. Show brings up the time Eddie Guerrero gave him a laxative tainted burrito. Nice to refer to Eddie, but that happened on Smackdown. Show points out other embarrassing things he’s done. He mentions he did impressions then busts out his Hulk BLEEPing Hogan impression. What is going on at WWE lately? Since when do they remember people working for TNA now? Violence, of course, breaks out and Gallows is thrown to the wolves. This was a fine segment but why not shave two or three minutes off it to add to the actual wrestling? Oh yeah, the remaining McMahons consider this a variety show.

A recap with Kurt Angle? WWE is not supposed to do things that confuse me. It confuses me. Sheamus promo time. Edge interrupts us to remind us of the many things he’s done in the WWE and make a Beeker joke at Sheamus’s expense. We have about ten minutes left in this show so the main event is not going to be an epic to make up for the fact we didn’t get one truly decent match all night. And they keep killing time with filler to boot.

By the time the match starts, and it’s elimination, the show should already be over. We may be running very long here. Jericho walks away and gets counted out. Edge shoves the ref and gets disqualified. So it’s five on three in short order. Sheamus at least stands and fights as minute after minute passes when I’d rather be in bed.  Sheamus wanders into the Nexus corner and they all ht him, justifying his pin. It’s five on the two biggest faces in the WWE. Cena takes out Slater quickly to prevent a sweep, but David Ortunga falls to the STF. Before Cena can stand though, Gabriel hits him with the 450 Splash and pins him. RKO on Gabriel, out. RKO on Tarver, out. Barrett hits his finisher on Orton, Nexus wins. That was about ten minutes overtime and even then the main event was only acceptable in length, and general. I expected something special from this show. I did not get it.

Kaval wins NXT. Next season (all 5 episodes) is all Divas including one who is 6’9”!

TNA has a PPV this weekend and I just can’t say I care. The addition of the EV 2.0 guys taking major roles in storylines has totally thrown away any internal momentum the roster had. WWE has done so much better with a bunch of rookies in Nexus than TNA has with a bunch of has-beens in EV 2.0. I’m sorely tempted to just stop watching the show and I don’t blame anyone who feels the same. If you want a more detailed recap you’ll have to look elsewhere, at least this week.

Smackdown will get its own column later. Until then, lemme tell ya something, brother!