Lucian WWE Wrestling Recap

Welcome to another week in wrestling. As always, RAW is our first stop on the sports entertainment wagon train. We open with the champion, who we don’t see as often as you’d expect on this show. He wants to know if Cena is going to screw him over so out comes Cena and even he isn’t sure. Cena reiterates if Orton wins Cena is fired and if Barrett wins Cena is free of Nexus. This writing is more nuanced than we often get from Nexus. Orton runs down Cena, Cean runs down Barrett. That draws Nexus. Barrett doesn’t care what Cena says about him. At Survivor Series Cena will do what he says. Cena promises, one way or the other, at Survivor Series he’s beating the hell out of Barrett. Which raises the possibility that Barrett will win and Miz will cash in Money in the Bank. Anonymous GM by email books Barrett and partner of choice versus Orton and partner of choice with John Cena as special guest ref to see how he’s going to act.

Tonight, Pee Wee Herman!

The Hart Dynasty get a shot at the new tag champs, Health Slater and Justin Gabriel. Apparently the Harts have been having trouble on B-show Superstars. Superstars was the C show until NXT couldn’t find one single station in the 500 channel universe willing to air their crap. Here, David Hart Smith gets shoved in the way of Tyson Kidd’s aerial moves allowing Nexus to double team Kidd for the win. 450 Splash as usual for the win. And no R-Truth, you aren’t important enough for John Cena to tell you what he’s going to do.

Here comes Sheamus, who had to job to Santino last week thanks to John Morrison, gets on the microphone first. Sheamus claims Santino didn’t beat him; he beat himself. So Sheamus wants a rematch. Santino is out to make jokes, he’s not dressed to compete. Santino begs off after overdosing on candy. So Vladamir Koslov is lined up as a replacement. Koslov is the kind of guy WWE “creative” thinks the crowd will always buy as a threat so it’s hard to tell if Sheamus is in trouble just because he doesn’t totally crush him. Sheamus goes after Santino after the match and comedy boy tries to bribe him with candy, $3 cash and an Amex. In the end it’s John Morrison who comes to his aid.

Why is R-Truth gossiping to John Cena? This just makes Truth look bad. But it does earn him a spot as Orton’s partner in the main event so I guess he’s not suffering. Mark Henry wants a hug from Pee Wee. That nearly crushes the comeback out of him. We waste time with Divas playing Twister. Woah, Lita is here! The Pee Wee’s Playhouse theme gets old fast when you always here the same snippets of it. Zack Ryder is set to lose to Ezekiel Jackson. Is Jackson a face now? Is Ryder? Or is Ryder simply jobber to all? This here is what you call domination.

Pee Wee introduces tonight’s secret word, ring, which the crowd either doesn’t get or doesn’t care about, until The Miz interrupts. Reilly gets it, Miz does not. Standard Pee Wee shenanigans ensue. Miz threatens Herman and he brings out his “Cousin” the Big Show in a Pee Wee outfit. Show cleans house but E-Gm once again wants to see The Miz versus Big Show. I wonder what cheap excuse they will use to not give us a real match this time? Actually, they don’t. We get a decent match out of these two that ends with Miz clobbering Show with the MitB briefcase and getting DQed.

How about Shut Up For WWE?

Barrett tries to humiliate Cena even further to inspire him to want out. But David Otunga, Wade’s partner for tonight, thinks he’s the biggest thing going. Ted Dibiase loses to Daniel Bryan. He blames his loss on not having his million-dollar belt. I blame it on Bryan being way more over. OMG Jerry Lawler just criticized Goldust marrying Aksana because he was robbing the cradle. Jerry Lawler just criticized someone for robbing the cradle. I have no words.

LayCool may finally have run its course. It’s time to turn Layla on McCool and have them finally fight each other. Michelle faces Natalya tonight with a title shot at Survivor Series on the line. Michelle shows that she will actually do a job once in a while. Her husband has been better at that lately and that’s saying something.

Freddie Prinz Jr. is back on the RAW creative team and he shows up playing a doctor. Apparently Vince McMahon has been in a coma for four months. Not showing up constantly on the campaign trail or anything. The weird thing is he comes out when Dr. Prinz mentions Linda spent 50 million on her campaign. Vince and Prinz are the latest comedy duo as Vince gets filled in on everything wrong in the WWE right now. If it were everything wrong with the WWE we’d need a six hour show. Then they do a Dallas and it’s all a dream in Stephanie McMahon’s mind. Well, that was a colossal waste of time.

Finally we get to the main event, at ten minutes before the hour. I find myself easily distracted from the match itself. Only the occasional uncertainty of what Cena will do makes it interesting and Cena calls it fair. He misses a tag by Orton and R-Truth gets the black beaten off him. Don’t take offense I’m quoting Ernie Ladd. But Cena misses a Barrett tag and Orton RKOing Otunga. That lets R-truth crawl over Otunga for the win.

On Tuesday night Linda McMahon lost her big for senate. So there’s some good news before we have to face the Goldust and Aksana wedding. Kaitlyn has a great dress tonight. In fact, all the rookies are looking more stylish than usual. The pros are dressed up too. I hope this black dress isn’t what Aksana plans to get married in. There are two competitions, an elimination and a match tonight. Since Aksana hasn’t won a competition she’s mathematically eliminated and gets excused to go get ready for her wedding.

Competition one is a kissing contest. The men did it too so I guess it’s not sexist. The kissee is Hornswoggle. Kaitlyn has to get on her knees to get a big kiss. Maxine doesn’t even agree to participate then she’s all mean to Hornswoggle and drives the poor little guy off with hurt feelings. Stepping up to the plate? “Dashing” Cody Rhodes, here for his brother’s wedding. They start over so Kaitlyn has to go twice. Maxine goes. Now Naomi refuses. Woah, AJ goes nuts. I so love her. She wins too!

Cole is in a tuxedo t-shirt and running down the show as usual. Primo remembers how to talk? And was jealous of Cody? They want to talk in private but Dusty Rhodes and the Bellas already have the room occupied. We squeeze in a match between two pros, Kelly Kelly and Alicia Fox. It’s short but considering how little I think of the participants it’s not bad. Primo and AJ are still searching backstage only to find Hornswoggle and Maxine making out.

We come to competition #2 and Maxine and Kaitlyn compete despite being eliminated. The contest is really dumb. They have a bunch of boxes and a flag hidden in one. It’s a race. Survivor and The Amazing Race are way more clever that this and even they have lost their charms for me. So this is terrible. At least it’s short as Kaitlyn wins but Naomi ends up with immunity as a result.

Once again searching for privacy Primo and AJ come upon Dolph and Kaitlyn making out. And Vickie sees it. Wow, actual plot development on NXT! Vickie comes charging and ends up with a cake thrown on her. Weddings are like that though. Especially WWE weddings.

Cody and his dad form the wedding party and Hornswoggle is carrying the ring. Goldust is in a tux and carries the million dollar belt. Aksana is in a gold dress. That ducks the wearing white issue. They wrote their own vows with Goldust getting in his catchphrase and Aksana not even succeeding in starting a USA chant. The minister is on Dibiase’s payroll and bails on the wedding. Dibiase feeds Aksana to immigration but will let the wedding go ahead for his title belt. But Dusty has a back up minister. It’s Ted Dibiase Sr. And yes, he is an ordained minister. But why is he selling out his son? Just because the look on his son’s face is priceless. Dusty steals a kiss before his son gets up the nerve. But Aksana slaps her new husband in the face as a heel turn. That could have been far, far worse but was hardly an incredible payoff.

Aksana stalking off is not nearly as impressive since she’s back immediately for the elimination. Maxine, the most obvious pick, is gone tonight Off-script for a change Maxine isn’t as eloquent as she has been previously. Four more episodes and this monstrosity ends.

A good friend has offered to take me to see Survivor Series in a movie theater. It won’t be easy to take notes but I should be able to offer some basic coverage. Let’s see if Smackdown can be as good as RAW.