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WWE Royal Rumble

Today’s topic: the 2014 Royal Rumble, sucked or shone? Lets see what FACE and HEEL thought of the show…

FACE: What an amazing Rumble. Let’s start at the beginning. We had an incredible match between Daniel Bryan and Bray Wyatt. We saw Brock Lesnar destroy the Big Show. The New Age Outlaws turned back the clock and won the tag team titles 15 years after last holding them. That’s a record. Randy Orton and John Cena tore the house down until a distraction by the Wyatt Family cost Cena the match. That’s all before the Rumble itself. There we saw Roman Reigns break the record for eliminations in a match. We saw surprises galore and we saw a great win by Batista.

HEEL: Are you kidding me? What show did you watch? I’ll concede the Daniel Bryan/Bray Wyatt match was excellent. But Lesnar and Show? It wasn’t a match it was just a beating (watch and judge for yourself). And having the announcers describe it as “borderline criminal?” Beating a man with a chair when it’s not part of a sanctioned match is criminal! That’s not the sort of thing you should talk about. Cena and Orton put on an okay match but the crowd was crapping all over it. Orton didn’t get a decisive win over Cena so he still looks like a weak champion. Don’t get me started on the Old Age Outlaws holding a title. And, as for the Rumble, most of it was a bad joke. Kevin Nash entering? JBL entering as a joke competitor? All the while taking up spots that could have gone to guys like Xavier Woods? Disgraceful. Roman Reigns was impressive, so impressive the fans cheered him over your supposed face winner, Batista. The fans wanted to see Daniel Bryan in that match. The fans wanted Daniel Bryan to win that match. I sincerely hope Bryan wins the Elimination Chamber and faces Batista, or both Batista and Orton, at Wrestlemania or you’re going to find there are a lot less people interested in that show that you’d normally expect.

FACE: It’s okay to have some humor in the Royal Rumble. It breaks things up, it breaks things up. It entertains a portion of the fanbase.

HEEL: A midget in a bull costume does not belong it the Royal Rumble. A retired color commentator does not belong in the Royal Rumble. Especially when the announcer says “the JBL character has never entered the Royal Rumble.” You don’t refer to wrestlers as characters. You say something along the lines of “JBL has never entered the Royal Rumble since adopting that moniker.”

FACE: It’s easy for armchair quarterbacks and fantasy bookers to criticize, but the creative team has a lot of factors to deal with. They have to plan for the future. CM Punk was being built up to face Kane, then HHH. Cody Rhodes and Goldust have lost the tag titles. It makes sense for them to feud with each other. Having Goldust eliminate his brother, even if it’s by accident, builds towards that feud. Roman Reigns is going to be a face when the Shield breaks up. That’s something else WWE built towards.

HEEL: No matter how you try to spin it WWE did not give the fans what they wanted and the reaction showed it. Creative needs to get their heads out of their collective rears and start focusing on the right people.

That’s it for this column of World of Wrestling. The one thing Good Cop and Bad Cop agree on is that we welcome your comments, requests and opinions!

Well, I had my suspicions after RAW but Joey Styles managed to spoil NXT for me as well. It was unprofessional of Styles to blab on Twitter because there are going to still be some fans who care, but clearly even WWE staff are getting as fed up as we are. When I just want this show to be over I have to write a longer column about it so I can pad it enough to stand alone. Three-hour RAWs cause such issues.

Two episodes after this one and the four remaining diva wannabees (Aksana, AJ, Naomi and Kaitlyn) are tested on how well they know their pros. It’s a Newlywed Game stlye competition. If Joey Styles was unprofessional slagging the show, what is Michael Cole doing? I suspect this is fixed, yet AJ is the only one to go three for three so she takes another competition and is looking good for immunity.

Naomi beats Kaitlyn in a dull match. Even Goldust seems like his heart’s not in this anymore as Aksana tries to suck up to get him back in her corner when she faces AJ. But he backstabs her and she has to go it alone. Man, is AJ flexible. She uses an incredible hanging submission move to pick up the win after the crowd was behind her the whole time.

The second competition is “Diss the Diva” where they insult each other. Since this is audience judged I’m sure AJ or Kaitlyn will win. If Kaitlyn wins it will be a tie and they’ll probably let the audience decide again, so Kaitlyn will win. Aksana is a babbling idiot then attacks Kaitlyn during her turn. Oddly, the audience picks Naomi to win but that only gives her one point and AJ is immune.

The elimination is short and sweet and, if you haven’t been spoiled already, Aksana goes home. After the abrupt resolution of the million dollar belt storyline last night on RAW the writing was on the wall. Goldust wants a divorce. Any smart lawyer will tell you he can have the wedding annulled since it was never consummated. Just like a fake wedding is not going to fool the Immigration officials. I hope Aksana gets a real release and we never see her again. In a few weeks we can say the same for this show.

Posted on November 18th, 2010 by Lucian | Comments Off on Wrestling Recap: WWE NXT Week Ending 11/20/10
Filed Under Entertainment

Just sit right back and you’ll read a tale,
A new wrestling recap
That started on a Monday night
And could be full of crap.

The champ was a viper, cold and cruel,
Cena was on his last straw.
The oldtimers had all been called
For a three hour RAW, a three hour RAW.

The writing started getting rough,
Continuity was tossed,
If not for the mem’ry of the Attitude era
The viewers would be lost, the viewers would be lost.

The ship set ground on the shore of this uncharted desert isle
With Superfly
And Mean Gene too,
The millionaire and his son,
Roddy Piper,
The Iron Sheik and the Fink,
Here on Old Timer’s Raw.

I miss the beginning of RAW three times for various reasons so I start with Miz threatening to steal Barrett’s title shot by cashing in Money in the Bank tonight. John Cena wants no part of that so he challenges The Miz tonight, and Miz says yes. Gene Okerlund and Cowboy Bob Orton were in the scene too.

Old school titles, graphics and even the ring announcer is dressed up in clothes from the 70s or so. Since this is a three-hour show we’ll see interpromotional matches too. The first is Dolph Ziggler versus Mark Henry. They’re even doing pop-up promos before the match. Mark Henry comes out to the old “Sexual Chocolate” theme music and singlet. They have the announcers on steel chairs and Cole is already complaining about being uncomfortable. Mark Henry gets to look like he has a chance tonight, kicking out of two Zig Zags, but the Sleeper Hold is his downfall as a guy with a future goes over a never was.

A babbling Tony Atlas eventually bores the Hart Dynasty enough that they walk off. He’s still talking after commercial as Yoshi Tatsu mimes Hari Kari. Yoshi Tatsu is still on the roster? The Hart Dynasty face the tag champs (Heath Slater and Justin Gabriel in case you’ve forgotten) barely gets started before, in a surprise, Tyson Kidd is the one who turns on David Hart Smith. Why not make the guy with more potential and a highflying moveset into a face?

R-Truth continues to be a jerk and stir up crap between Orton and Cena. Orton could just take Cena out of the picture with a punt to the head… Back in the ring here’s Howard Finkel! He brings out the Brooklyn Brawler and Harvey Whippleman. He issues an open challenge to any young superstar. Out comes Ezekial Jackson. Guess who wins? That’s the best way to put an old star in a match.

Nexus finally figures out they need to do something about R-Truth. Barrett tries to fawn it off on Otunga, but the anonymous General Manager pipes up and makes it Barrett versus R-Truth instead. Die hard Otunga fans (are there any?) will be happy to learn Otunga will have a match tonight too. Cena turns down Nexus protection for his match with The Miz. If Orton wants some, he can come get some.

Miz begs off the match, since the GM never sanctioned it, and once again puts Alex Reilly in the match in his place. There’s still two hours to go and I’m already fatigued. Riley has ended up in a much better position than Kaval, who actually won season two. Here he at least looks like he’s in the same league as Cena before the Five-Knuckle Shuffle, Attitude Adjustment, STF combo polishes him off.

Here comes Orton. Down goes The Miz. Harris and McGuillicuddy try to interfere but Orton takes them out in no time. That leaves Orton face to face with Cena until Cena throws a punch. A host of old school attired officials hit the ring to prevent any real fighting. E-GM pipes up to book Cena and Orton on Piper’s Pit so they can air their differences.

More old guys are back, Nikolai Volkoff and The Iron Sheik. I haven’t heard the Soviet national anthem in a while. Santino and Koslov interrupt, but it’s only so Koslov can join the singalong. Koslov actually sings worse than you’d expect. Sheik gets to babble, but he keeps bringing up Hulkamania and they keep cutting his mic. Santino bring out Slick, who even I have never seen before, and who does nothing. At last we get to the point, The Ousos come out for a #1 contender’s match, dragging Superfly Snuka along with them. The problem with this match is I’m just not sure I can buy The Cobra actually working. I don’t have long to think about it before Sheamus hits the ring and takes out everybody, leaving Santino for last. Morrison to the rescue once again and we finally actually book the match for Survivor Series.

Half way through.

Otunga faces Kofi Kingston from Smackdown. Kingston isn’t good enough to make Otunga look good and Kingston picks up the win only after George “The Animal” Steele eats a turnbuckle and Kofi uses the steel ring to bash Otunga’s head.

The end of the Million Dollar Title storyline comes suddenly and is a mess. It features Hacksaw Jim Duggan, Dusty Rhodes in a wig pretending to be Aksana’s mother, Aksana in a net, Goldust taking the belt and giving it to Ted Dibiase Sr. Million dollar daddy and IRS offer the belt to Ted Jr, but he’s no longer interested in hand me downs. Cody is here to join the family, but he and big brother aren’t friends. Then they dance to Dusty’s theme, even Tatakna dances by. Then we get Ron Simmons to say “Damn.” (Editor’s Note: This sounds both bizarre and awesome at the same time)

They somehow remaster commentary from Lord Alfred Hayes for the product promos. That’s a nice little tribute to the departed. Why are they still letting Eve dance along side R-Truth? Even dancing is like that female SNL character who looks hot, but everything she does is the opposite of sexy. Barrett wins after a half-decent match.

Alberto Del Rio’s personal ring announcer gets cut off by Tito Santana and his driver is Chavo Guererro Senior aka Chavo Classic. With CM Punk out of action Del Rio takes over making fun of fat Americans. He also feels the legends should respect him. That draws Sergeant Slaughter. Didn’t sarge used to have hair? I didn’t expect much of a match. Slaughter does get the Cobra Clutch on, but Del Rio makes the ropes. Del Rio doesn’t even need a finisher to win, just a big kick to the back of the head in the corner. The Armbar goes on after the match so MVP can make a save.

May Young deserves to make an appearance, but she’s not in great shape at 87. The Bellas are all but holding her on her feet. We’re reminded that Young was once really hot, but the clips package is all from RAW’s days. LayCool comes out to make fun of her, in part for never winning a championship. Mae demands a no-DQ match against both of them. The champs make it Falls Count Anywhere which allows Natalya, Melina, Eve and Gail Kim to come out and destroy the champs so May can plant her foot for the pin. And I thought Bret Hart wrestling was bad.

WOW! Jim Ross is here as a guest commentator! Jim looks fine after his battle with Bell’s Palsy. Sounds fine too. The match he’s here to call is Daniel Bryan versus Jack Swagger. Yeah, I actually want to see that. Cole being a jerk really sours this match and JR’s return. Can’t they shut Cole up once in a while? JR actually focuses on the match going on in the ring! What a change! But seriously, Cole spoils the match for me. Bryan wins, with a kick to the back of the head like Del Rio did. Ted Dibiase attacks Bryan post-match so I guess he’s looking for a belt of his own. JR at least gets to hit Cole with his hat before he leaves.

A Survivor Series match has been added to Survivor Series! Five on five, Team Mysterio versus Team Del Rio.

Piper’s Pit will serve as our main event of this show. I’ll just be glad when it’s over. It’s just plain weird to hear Lord Alfred Hayes hawking paperjamz.com. We bring all the legends for an introduction and a nod of appreciation. It’s the most sincere part of the whole show. Piper is out last and I still wouldn’t want to fight the guy. Piper calls out Cena to remind him some superstars never win the big belt, Piper among them. So he doesn’t want to see Cena hand Wade Barrett a championship. Cena finally breaks. He’s not going to throw everything he’s built away. He’s going to call the match down the middle. That draws Barrett who says down the middle is all he needs. Then Piper gets to go off on Barrett. But Barrett gets a last laugh as he forces Cena to put on a Nexus t-shirt. Cena gets to renew his vow that he’ll destroy Barrett after Survivor Series win or lose. Barrett is fine, he has Nexus to protect him.

Finally Randy Orton shows up. This show is already supposed to be over. Orton could take Cena out… but instead he goes after Barrett. He gets to lay a beatdown before Barrett can ask Cena for help. Cena tries to block but gets RKOed. Orton tries to punt Barrett but Cena, who is up way too quickly after an RKO, hits him with an Attitude Adjustment. Barrett want Cena to raise his hand – but Cena AAs him too and throws off the Nexus t-shirt. Piper is sure proud of him.

A good final segment I don’t like the way this show turned out. Three-hour RAWs are usually too much anyway but tonight the theme got in the way. I don’t want to see every legend from the past reduced to a joke yet they were mostly used for comic relief. What should have been the match of the night, Bryan/Swagger, was ruined by the commentary. Still, I’m pleased I’m going to get to see Survivor Series so the WWE did the most important part of their job. They sold the Pay Per View.

Posted on November 17th, 2010 by Lucian | Comments Off on Wrestling Recap: Old School WWE Raw Week Ending 11/20/10
Filed Under Entertainment

wwe nxtThis week on WWE NXT we get very bad immigration advice in a storyline that only detracts from the point of this show, a competition to win a contract with WWE. Four rookies, four weeks left with an elimination next week. Kaitlyn wins a highly staged arm wrestling competition. AJ actually picks up a win over Niki Bella but the focus is on the twins miscommunication and Primo watching for the switch. Thus, the win doesn’t elevate AJ in any way.

The second challenge is kind of fun as the rookies have to identify WWE employees from their high school photos. Jerry Lawler in high school looked a hell of a lot like Cody Rhodes. Which makes the King’s insults of Cody Rhodes’ looks kind of funny. The contest is actually pretty close, except for Aksana sucking, but AJ beats Kaitlyn in a tiebreaker. There’s a recap of Vickie Guererro being hit by a cake from last week. I loathe Vickie being on-screen but I’ll give her props for being willing to do anything on global television.

Aksana and Naomi are the main event with Goldust in Naomi’s corner. Naomi has raw talent and can hit a variety of moves, but she still hasn’t mastered the flow of matches. Aksana is even more limited. Naomi rightfully gets the win. Kaitlyn and Aksana are both deeply enmeshed in the storylines of this show so don’t expect either of them to go home. That puts AJ and Naomi in the danger zone. Naomi’s probably the best wrestler of the pack, but AJ is genuinely likable. Maybe they can drop Aksana and somehow keep her around to play out her story with Goldust. That’s optimistic on my part .. but a man can dream. More importantly, there are only 4 weeks before this nightmare comes to a close and I can start looking forward to the return of Tough Enough.

Posted on November 12th, 2010 by Lucian | Leave a Comment (1)
Filed Under Entertainment

Wrestling Recaps

It seems like Survivor Series is still really far away. It’s a long break by modern WWE standards and this is only the second last, not last, RAW before the PPV. Hopefully the show doesn’t just spin its wheels for two hours. Manchester, England across the Atlantic Ocean hosts RAW tonight. We open with John Cena behind a Nexus podium reading from scroll. The prepared statement sings the praises of Nexus. It’s interesting to listen to the Manchester crowd. A vocal segment of them are cheering the hometown boy. Jerry Lawler is out with a knee injury so we get the NXT team of Cole and Josh Matthews. Barrett promises a preview of his championship celebration tonight. Barrett has issues however. First he calls David Otunga on the mat for undermining his authority. He’s madder they failed though.

On to Cena. Cena is actually funny as he gives a rundown of the launch of his career when Barrett asks him “What happened?” Cena renews his vow; once the Survivor Series match is over he beats down Barrett and anyone who tries to interfere. Barrett demands Cena announce him as the new champion as practice for Survivor Series, but Randy Orton won’t sit idly by for that and the crowd can finally get firmly behind someone. Orton knows he can beat Barrett no matter who the referee is. The anonymous virtual general manager finally chimes in to cancel Barrett’s celebration and makes the title match at SS pinfall or submission only. He, or she I suppose, also bans Nexus from ringside. As for tonight it’s going to be a ten-man tag match with the E-GM picking Orton’s team. Once again Cena is to be referee. An angry Cena knocks over the podium, then Otunga, before striding away.

Eve, Niki and Bella (all of whom could stand to go in the rumoured upcoming Diva cuts) take on Maryse, Alicia Fox and Tamita in some silly soccer themed match. It’s just a normal match with outfits and the Bellas make the switch for the win.

There’s one too many people in Nexus for this match. So Otunga gets the boot and faces Cena instead.

The Hart Dynasty face the Ousos in a “Who cares about tag wrestling anymore?” match which the Ousos win as we keep crawling towards the break-up of the Hart Dynasty. Santino has invited Sheamus to a tea party tonight. That could be awesome or awful, we’ll just have to wait and see. Orton hopes his team is the best of the best and we learn The Miz is the first other member. Goldust continues to somehow be on TV as he faces Ted Dibiase again. It’s more soap opera shenanigans as Maryse steals the million-dollar belt, then Aksana shows up to steal it.  Goldust gets the win but his gold digger wife runs off with the belt he rightfully stole.

Nexus accompanies David Otunga to the ring, then Barrett turns them around and they all head back. That leaves Otunga to face an angry Cena.  Otunga tries to run, only to be dragged back in for the match. Considering this match is at the middle mark of the show it’s not very long. Cena wins with an STF and Otunga still isn’t very good in the ring. By the way, next week’s RAW is three hours long and a special old school episode. Post-match Wade Barrett tells Otunga to go to Smackdown again and face Edge. Win or else.

Santino’s tea party with Sheamus (and Vladimir Koslov) is a long comedy segment. Santino trying to play nice with Sheamus, but constantly putting his foot in his mouth is actually pretty funny. The crowd loves Santino too. E-GM pipes up again and books a match between the two. Santino tries to bail but the GM threatens him with suspension so the comedy wrestler tries to psych himself up to fight. Snatino ends up low blowing Sheamus and getting disqualified and Santino celebrates too long, especially for losing, and gets beat down by Sheamus. John Morrison has to make the save again and it will be nice when Morrison gets some mic time in this feud.

The main event entrances begins at twenty minutes before the hour. But with five team members to enter we may not get much wrestling time. The mystery members of Orton’s team are R-Truth, Daniel Bryan and Mark Henry. Otunga doesn’t come out until the middle of the match so there’s a lot of speculation as to his motives. Barrett avoids Orton for most of the match but face each other at the finish. Then, out of nowhere, with Otunga distracting Cena, The Miz turns on Orton and hits him with his finisher, the Skull Crushing Finale. Cena counts the pin and, once again, Orton gets screwed.

I was worried we’d be spinning our wheels this week. It wasn’t a bad show but did anything really change tonight? The biggest development was the set-up for the match on Smackdown. Less focus on just being in England and more on selling other matches for Survivor Series would have been appreciated.

Nexus returns to Smackdown on Friday. Let’s see if it helps sell a PPV.

Lucian WWE Wrestling Recap

Welcome to another week in wrestling. As always, RAW is our first stop on the sports entertainment wagon train. We open with the champion, who we don’t see as often as you’d expect on this show. He wants to know if Cena is going to screw him over so out comes Cena and even he isn’t sure. Cena reiterates if Orton wins Cena is fired and if Barrett wins Cena is free of Nexus. This writing is more nuanced than we often get from Nexus. Orton runs down Cena, Cean runs down Barrett. That draws Nexus. Barrett doesn’t care what Cena says about him. At Survivor Series Cena will do what he says. Cena promises, one way or the other, at Survivor Series he’s beating the hell out of Barrett. Which raises the possibility that Barrett will win and Miz will cash in Money in the Bank. Anonymous GM by email books Barrett and partner of choice versus Orton and partner of choice with John Cena as special guest ref to see how he’s going to act.

Tonight, Pee Wee Herman!

The Hart Dynasty get a shot at the new tag champs, Health Slater and Justin Gabriel. Apparently the Harts have been having trouble on B-show Superstars. Superstars was the C show until NXT couldn’t find one single station in the 500 channel universe willing to air their crap. Here, David Hart Smith gets shoved in the way of Tyson Kidd’s aerial moves allowing Nexus to double team Kidd for the win. 450 Splash as usual for the win. And no R-Truth, you aren’t important enough for John Cena to tell you what he’s going to do.

Here comes Sheamus, who had to job to Santino last week thanks to John Morrison, gets on the microphone first. Sheamus claims Santino didn’t beat him; he beat himself. So Sheamus wants a rematch. Santino is out to make jokes, he’s not dressed to compete. Santino begs off after overdosing on candy. So Vladamir Koslov is lined up as a replacement. Koslov is the kind of guy WWE “creative” thinks the crowd will always buy as a threat so it’s hard to tell if Sheamus is in trouble just because he doesn’t totally crush him. Sheamus goes after Santino after the match and comedy boy tries to bribe him with candy, $3 cash and an Amex. In the end it’s John Morrison who comes to his aid.

Why is R-Truth gossiping to John Cena? This just makes Truth look bad. But it does earn him a spot as Orton’s partner in the main event so I guess he’s not suffering. Mark Henry wants a hug from Pee Wee. That nearly crushes the comeback out of him. We waste time with Divas playing Twister. Woah, Lita is here! The Pee Wee’s Playhouse theme gets old fast when you always here the same snippets of it. Zack Ryder is set to lose to Ezekiel Jackson. Is Jackson a face now? Is Ryder? Or is Ryder simply jobber to all? This here is what you call domination.

Pee Wee introduces tonight’s secret word, ring, which the crowd either doesn’t get or doesn’t care about, until The Miz interrupts. Reilly gets it, Miz does not. Standard Pee Wee shenanigans ensue. Miz threatens Herman and he brings out his “Cousin” the Big Show in a Pee Wee outfit. Show cleans house but E-Gm once again wants to see The Miz versus Big Show. I wonder what cheap excuse they will use to not give us a real match this time? Actually, they don’t. We get a decent match out of these two that ends with Miz clobbering Show with the MitB briefcase and getting DQed.

How about Shut Up For WWE?

Barrett tries to humiliate Cena even further to inspire him to want out. But David Otunga, Wade’s partner for tonight, thinks he’s the biggest thing going. Ted Dibiase loses to Daniel Bryan. He blames his loss on not having his million-dollar belt. I blame it on Bryan being way more over. OMG Jerry Lawler just criticized Goldust marrying Aksana because he was robbing the cradle. Jerry Lawler just criticized someone for robbing the cradle. I have no words.

LayCool may finally have run its course. It’s time to turn Layla on McCool and have them finally fight each other. Michelle faces Natalya tonight with a title shot at Survivor Series on the line. Michelle shows that she will actually do a job once in a while. Her husband has been better at that lately and that’s saying something.

Freddie Prinz Jr. is back on the RAW creative team and he shows up playing a doctor. Apparently Vince McMahon has been in a coma for four months. Not showing up constantly on the campaign trail or anything. The weird thing is he comes out when Dr. Prinz mentions Linda spent 50 million on her campaign. Vince and Prinz are the latest comedy duo as Vince gets filled in on everything wrong in the WWE right now. If it were everything wrong with the WWE we’d need a six hour show. Then they do a Dallas and it’s all a dream in Stephanie McMahon’s mind. Well, that was a colossal waste of time.

Finally we get to the main event, at ten minutes before the hour. I find myself easily distracted from the match itself. Only the occasional uncertainty of what Cena will do makes it interesting and Cena calls it fair. He misses a tag by Orton and R-Truth gets the black beaten off him. Don’t take offense I’m quoting Ernie Ladd. But Cena misses a Barrett tag and Orton RKOing Otunga. That lets R-truth crawl over Otunga for the win.

On Tuesday night Linda McMahon lost her big for senate. So there’s some good news before we have to face the Goldust and Aksana wedding. Kaitlyn has a great dress tonight. In fact, all the rookies are looking more stylish than usual. The pros are dressed up too. I hope this black dress isn’t what Aksana plans to get married in. There are two competitions, an elimination and a match tonight. Since Aksana hasn’t won a competition she’s mathematically eliminated and gets excused to go get ready for her wedding.

Competition one is a kissing contest. The men did it too so I guess it’s not sexist. The kissee is Hornswoggle. Kaitlyn has to get on her knees to get a big kiss. Maxine doesn’t even agree to participate then she’s all mean to Hornswoggle and drives the poor little guy off with hurt feelings. Stepping up to the plate? “Dashing” Cody Rhodes, here for his brother’s wedding. They start over so Kaitlyn has to go twice. Maxine goes. Now Naomi refuses. Woah, AJ goes nuts. I so love her. She wins too!

Cole is in a tuxedo t-shirt and running down the show as usual. Primo remembers how to talk? And was jealous of Cody? They want to talk in private but Dusty Rhodes and the Bellas already have the room occupied. We squeeze in a match between two pros, Kelly Kelly and Alicia Fox. It’s short but considering how little I think of the participants it’s not bad. Primo and AJ are still searching backstage only to find Hornswoggle and Maxine making out.

We come to competition #2 and Maxine and Kaitlyn compete despite being eliminated. The contest is really dumb. They have a bunch of boxes and a flag hidden in one. It’s a race. Survivor and The Amazing Race are way more clever that this and even they have lost their charms for me. So this is terrible. At least it’s short as Kaitlyn wins but Naomi ends up with immunity as a result.

Once again searching for privacy Primo and AJ come upon Dolph and Kaitlyn making out. And Vickie sees it. Wow, actual plot development on NXT! Vickie comes charging and ends up with a cake thrown on her. Weddings are like that though. Especially WWE weddings.

Cody and his dad form the wedding party and Hornswoggle is carrying the ring. Goldust is in a tux and carries the million dollar belt. Aksana is in a gold dress. That ducks the wearing white issue. They wrote their own vows with Goldust getting in his catchphrase and Aksana not even succeeding in starting a USA chant. The minister is on Dibiase’s payroll and bails on the wedding. Dibiase feeds Aksana to immigration but will let the wedding go ahead for his title belt. But Dusty has a back up minister. It’s Ted Dibiase Sr. And yes, he is an ordained minister. But why is he selling out his son? Just because the look on his son’s face is priceless. Dusty steals a kiss before his son gets up the nerve. But Aksana slaps her new husband in the face as a heel turn. That could have been far, far worse but was hardly an incredible payoff.

Aksana stalking off is not nearly as impressive since she’s back immediately for the elimination. Maxine, the most obvious pick, is gone tonight Off-script for a change Maxine isn’t as eloquent as she has been previously. Four more episodes and this monstrosity ends.

A good friend has offered to take me to see Survivor Series in a movie theater. It won’t be easy to take notes but I should be able to offer some basic coverage. Let’s see if Smackdown can be as good as RAW.

Wrestling Recap WWE

There was a PPV this weekend. Among the winners: Team Smackdown, Daniel Bryan, LayCool and Wade Barrett by disqualification. Word is Barrett was still the planned winner until hours before the show. And, even more weird, John Cena and Otunga are tag champs. Speaking of Nexus, they open this week’s RAW. For no good reason they helped take out Undertaker in the Buried Alive match. Barrett doesn’t want to tell you why. So there. Barrett gets another title shot, special guest referee to be determined by tonight’s main event winner. It’s Orton versus any Nexus member. It takes three seconds before Cena is chosen. Otunga complains about how Cena treated him so Barrett books Otunga and Cena to face Slater and Gabriel. He immediately tells someone to lie down, but it’s Otunga he wants to do it. Otunga pretends to be conflicted better than he pretends to wrestle. But he does the job like Tommy Dreamer. So the tag belts are being hotshotted around like they mean nothing. Joy is me.

Vickie Guerrero is here. Apparently her rookie spells her name Kaitlyn. We’re getting a rematch of Dolph Ziggler versus Daniel Bryan. That doesn’t make the Pay Per View seem all that special, but tonight CM Punk is on commentary. Some nice technical wrestling early and Bryan does a dive to the outside. It’s a really good match. These guys work together well and if CM Punk weren’t such a good wrestler I’d suggest he replace Lawler full-time. The finish is weird. Bryan gets the LaBelle lock, but Vickie puts Dolph’s foot under the bottom rope. Only the ref doesn’t see it so Bryan wins anyway.

Guest star Toby Keith has shenanigans with Santino until Sheamus decides to challenge him to a match for embarrassing RAW at Bragging Rights. Cena is finally ready to quit but Barrett says he’ll have an offer Cena will like… if Cena can beat Orton tonight.

There’s a ridiculously short tag match where LayCool beat Melina and Gail Kim. The Miz makes excuses for losing and Eve comes out to give him a dressing down. She talks way better than she dances. That brings out R-Truth who must be The Miz’s next filler feud. E-GM succinctly orders a match.

Toby Keith sucks on the mic. Sheamus beats up Santino for a while. John Morrison arrives to try to get the ref to stop the match, but Sheamus misses a Brogue Kick in the corner and Santino actually rolls him up for a pin! Not even Santino can believe it and Sheamus again shows his facial expressions are stellar.

Why is the WWE bothering with these extremely limited theater runs for their movies instead of just putting them straight to DVD? It’s not like they’re waiting between them. The next step in Stand Up For WWE is to have the superstars and divas talk about how much they love their work. That’s nice, but doesn’t give me any reason to stand up for them if they’re having so much fun. Otunga is not having fun but with new Nexus members McGuillicuddy and Harris staring him down Otunga swallows his pride in the name of team unity.

It’s not much of a main event with the story focusing on Cena refusing to let Barrett aid him in any way. Cena counters an RKO into an AA but Orton actually kicks out! Orton does hit his next RKO attempt but Cena rolls out of the ring. Orton gets him back in for the punch but Barrett pulls Cena out and attacks him to get Orton disqualified. Orton goes nuts on Barrett but can’t fight off the rest of Nexus. When Cena tries to help Barrett gets on the mic to stop him. Barrett, of course, names Cena the special guest ref for Survivor Series. And the twist is predictable. If Barrett doesn’t win the title… Cena is fired. If he does win it, Cena is free from Nexus.

Over on NXT, we get a Halloween costume contest. AJ looks great as a ninja turtle, Naomi is ridiculous as a Hamburger Helper hand. Aksana is the devil, but not really sexy. She seems like she should be sexy from her look, but she doesn’t actually have any sex appeal. Maxine is the ice queen but it’s Kaitlyn who wins with her costume and impression of Vickie Guererro. Even more ridiculous is that Maxine and Naomi wrestle in costume.

There will be an elimination next week, bringing us mercifully closer to the end of this fiasco. Back in season one I loved this show. Now? Flames, flames at the sides of my head. Aksana and Goldust also get married next week. Brie Bella takes on AJ as they tease Nikki becoming more aggressive and taking over for her in the match. It happens again here and Brie is not happy, despite winning.

Ted Dibiase and Maryse are here to get back the million dollar title. Competition #2 is a candy eating contest. Somebody’s fetish gets a lot more material from this segment. Hornswoggle shows up too. Maxine wins, but Hornswoggle may have eaten some of her candy. Kaitlyn “chokes” and we get a little person Heimlich.

So our main event is Dibiase and Maryse versus Goldust and Aksana. At least they are having main show storylines cross over to this one. Just don’t expect them to have any major storyline developments. Aksana actually pins Maryse, with a fluke roll-up that makes them both look weak. The battle for the belt is what matters and, of course, Aksana and Goldust escape with it.

I’ll be back later in the week with Smackdown and TNA. I haven’t seen any spoilers but I have a sinking feeling a Kane/Big Show feud is on the way.

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