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Lucian WWE Wrestling Recap

Welcome to another week in wrestling. As always, RAW is our first stop on the sports entertainment wagon train. We open with the champion, who we don’t see as often as you’d expect on this show. He wants to know if Cena is going to screw him over so out comes Cena and even he isn’t sure. Cena reiterates if Orton wins Cena is fired and if Barrett wins Cena is free of Nexus. This writing is more nuanced than we often get from Nexus. Orton runs down Cena, Cean runs down Barrett. That draws Nexus. Barrett doesn’t care what Cena says about him. At Survivor Series Cena will do what he says. Cena promises, one way or the other, at Survivor Series he’s beating the hell out of Barrett. Which raises the possibility that Barrett will win and Miz will cash in Money in the Bank. Anonymous GM by email books Barrett and partner of choice versus Orton and partner of choice with John Cena as special guest ref to see how he’s going to act.

Tonight, Pee Wee Herman!

The Hart Dynasty get a shot at the new tag champs, Health Slater and Justin Gabriel. Apparently the Harts have been having trouble on B-show Superstars. Superstars was the C show until NXT couldn’t find one single station in the 500 channel universe willing to air their crap. Here, David Hart Smith gets shoved in the way of Tyson Kidd’s aerial moves allowing Nexus to double team Kidd for the win. 450 Splash as usual for the win. And no R-Truth, you aren’t important enough for John Cena to tell you what he’s going to do.

Here comes Sheamus, who had to job to Santino last week thanks to John Morrison, gets on the microphone first. Sheamus claims Santino didn’t beat him; he beat himself. So Sheamus wants a rematch. Santino is out to make jokes, he’s not dressed to compete. Santino begs off after overdosing on candy. So Vladamir Koslov is lined up as a replacement. Koslov is the kind of guy WWE “creative” thinks the crowd will always buy as a threat so it’s hard to tell if Sheamus is in trouble just because he doesn’t totally crush him. Sheamus goes after Santino after the match and comedy boy tries to bribe him with candy, $3 cash and an Amex. In the end it’s John Morrison who comes to his aid.

Why is R-Truth gossiping to John Cena? This just makes Truth look bad. But it does earn him a spot as Orton’s partner in the main event so I guess he’s not suffering. Mark Henry wants a hug from Pee Wee. That nearly crushes the comeback out of him. We waste time with Divas playing Twister. Woah, Lita is here! The Pee Wee’s Playhouse theme gets old fast when you always here the same snippets of it. Zack Ryder is set to lose to Ezekiel Jackson. Is Jackson a face now? Is Ryder? Or is Ryder simply jobber to all? This here is what you call domination.

Pee Wee introduces tonight’s secret word, ring, which the crowd either doesn’t get or doesn’t care about, until The Miz interrupts. Reilly gets it, Miz does not. Standard Pee Wee shenanigans ensue. Miz threatens Herman and he brings out his “Cousin” the Big Show in a Pee Wee outfit. Show cleans house but E-Gm once again wants to see The Miz versus Big Show. I wonder what cheap excuse they will use to not give us a real match this time? Actually, they don’t. We get a decent match out of these two that ends with Miz clobbering Show with the MitB briefcase and getting DQed.

How about Shut Up For WWE?

Barrett tries to humiliate Cena even further to inspire him to want out. But David Otunga, Wade’s partner for tonight, thinks he’s the biggest thing going. Ted Dibiase loses to Daniel Bryan. He blames his loss on not having his million-dollar belt. I blame it on Bryan being way more over. OMG Jerry Lawler just criticized Goldust marrying Aksana because he was robbing the cradle. Jerry Lawler just criticized someone for robbing the cradle. I have no words.

LayCool may finally have run its course. It’s time to turn Layla on McCool and have them finally fight each other. Michelle faces Natalya tonight with a title shot at Survivor Series on the line. Michelle shows that she will actually do a job once in a while. Her husband has been better at that lately and that’s saying something.

Freddie Prinz Jr. is back on the RAW creative team and he shows up playing a doctor. Apparently Vince McMahon has been in a coma for four months. Not showing up constantly on the campaign trail or anything. The weird thing is he comes out when Dr. Prinz mentions Linda spent 50 million on her campaign. Vince and Prinz are the latest comedy duo as Vince gets filled in on everything wrong in the WWE right now. If it were everything wrong with the WWE we’d need a six hour show. Then they do a Dallas and it’s all a dream in Stephanie McMahon’s mind. Well, that was a colossal waste of time.

Finally we get to the main event, at ten minutes before the hour. I find myself easily distracted from the match itself. Only the occasional uncertainty of what Cena will do makes it interesting and Cena calls it fair. He misses a tag by Orton and R-Truth gets the black beaten off him. Don’t take offense I’m quoting Ernie Ladd. But Cena misses a Barrett tag and Orton RKOing Otunga. That lets R-truth crawl over Otunga for the win.

On Tuesday night Linda McMahon lost her big for senate. So there’s some good news before we have to face the Goldust and Aksana wedding. Kaitlyn has a great dress tonight. In fact, all the rookies are looking more stylish than usual. The pros are dressed up too. I hope this black dress isn’t what Aksana plans to get married in. There are two competitions, an elimination and a match tonight. Since Aksana hasn’t won a competition she’s mathematically eliminated and gets excused to go get ready for her wedding.

Competition one is a kissing contest. The men did it too so I guess it’s not sexist. The kissee is Hornswoggle. Kaitlyn has to get on her knees to get a big kiss. Maxine doesn’t even agree to participate then she’s all mean to Hornswoggle and drives the poor little guy off with hurt feelings. Stepping up to the plate? “Dashing” Cody Rhodes, here for his brother’s wedding. They start over so Kaitlyn has to go twice. Maxine goes. Now Naomi refuses. Woah, AJ goes nuts. I so love her. She wins too!

Cole is in a tuxedo t-shirt and running down the show as usual. Primo remembers how to talk? And was jealous of Cody? They want to talk in private but Dusty Rhodes and the Bellas already have the room occupied. We squeeze in a match between two pros, Kelly Kelly and Alicia Fox. It’s short but considering how little I think of the participants it’s not bad. Primo and AJ are still searching backstage only to find Hornswoggle and Maxine making out.

We come to competition #2 and Maxine and Kaitlyn compete despite being eliminated. The contest is really dumb. They have a bunch of boxes and a flag hidden in one. It’s a race. Survivor and The Amazing Race are way more clever that this and even they have lost their charms for me. So this is terrible. At least it’s short as Kaitlyn wins but Naomi ends up with immunity as a result.

Once again searching for privacy Primo and AJ come upon Dolph and Kaitlyn making out. And Vickie sees it. Wow, actual plot development on NXT! Vickie comes charging and ends up with a cake thrown on her. Weddings are like that though. Especially WWE weddings.

Cody and his dad form the wedding party and Hornswoggle is carrying the ring. Goldust is in a tux and carries the million dollar belt. Aksana is in a gold dress. That ducks the wearing white issue. They wrote their own vows with Goldust getting in his catchphrase and Aksana not even succeeding in starting a USA chant. The minister is on Dibiase’s payroll and bails on the wedding. Dibiase feeds Aksana to immigration but will let the wedding go ahead for his title belt. But Dusty has a back up minister. It’s Ted Dibiase Sr. And yes, he is an ordained minister. But why is he selling out his son? Just because the look on his son’s face is priceless. Dusty steals a kiss before his son gets up the nerve. But Aksana slaps her new husband in the face as a heel turn. That could have been far, far worse but was hardly an incredible payoff.

Aksana stalking off is not nearly as impressive since she’s back immediately for the elimination. Maxine, the most obvious pick, is gone tonight Off-script for a change Maxine isn’t as eloquent as she has been previously. Four more episodes and this monstrosity ends.

A good friend has offered to take me to see Survivor Series in a movie theater. It won’t be easy to take notes but I should be able to offer some basic coverage. Let’s see if Smackdown can be as good as RAW.

Wrestling Recap WWE

There was a PPV this weekend. Among the winners: Team Smackdown, Daniel Bryan, LayCool and Wade Barrett by disqualification. Word is Barrett was still the planned winner until hours before the show. And, even more weird, John Cena and Otunga are tag champs. Speaking of Nexus, they open this week’s RAW. For no good reason they helped take out Undertaker in the Buried Alive match. Barrett doesn’t want to tell you why. So there. Barrett gets another title shot, special guest referee to be determined by tonight’s main event winner. It’s Orton versus any Nexus member. It takes three seconds before Cena is chosen. Otunga complains about how Cena treated him so Barrett books Otunga and Cena to face Slater and Gabriel. He immediately tells someone to lie down, but it’s Otunga he wants to do it. Otunga pretends to be conflicted better than he pretends to wrestle. But he does the job like Tommy Dreamer. So the tag belts are being hotshotted around like they mean nothing. Joy is me.

Vickie Guerrero is here. Apparently her rookie spells her name Kaitlyn. We’re getting a rematch of Dolph Ziggler versus Daniel Bryan. That doesn’t make the Pay Per View seem all that special, but tonight CM Punk is on commentary. Some nice technical wrestling early and Bryan does a dive to the outside. It’s a really good match. These guys work together well and if CM Punk weren’t such a good wrestler I’d suggest he replace Lawler full-time. The finish is weird. Bryan gets the LaBelle lock, but Vickie puts Dolph’s foot under the bottom rope. Only the ref doesn’t see it so Bryan wins anyway.

Guest star Toby Keith has shenanigans with Santino until Sheamus decides to challenge him to a match for embarrassing RAW at Bragging Rights. Cena is finally ready to quit but Barrett says he’ll have an offer Cena will like… if Cena can beat Orton tonight.

There’s a ridiculously short tag match where LayCool beat Melina and Gail Kim. The Miz makes excuses for losing and Eve comes out to give him a dressing down. She talks way better than she dances. That brings out R-Truth who must be The Miz’s next filler feud. E-GM succinctly orders a match.

Toby Keith sucks on the mic. Sheamus beats up Santino for a while. John Morrison arrives to try to get the ref to stop the match, but Sheamus misses a Brogue Kick in the corner and Santino actually rolls him up for a pin! Not even Santino can believe it and Sheamus again shows his facial expressions are stellar.

Why is the WWE bothering with these extremely limited theater runs for their movies instead of just putting them straight to DVD? It’s not like they’re waiting between them. The next step in Stand Up For WWE is to have the superstars and divas talk about how much they love their work. That’s nice, but doesn’t give me any reason to stand up for them if they’re having so much fun. Otunga is not having fun but with new Nexus members McGuillicuddy and Harris staring him down Otunga swallows his pride in the name of team unity.

It’s not much of a main event with the story focusing on Cena refusing to let Barrett aid him in any way. Cena counters an RKO into an AA but Orton actually kicks out! Orton does hit his next RKO attempt but Cena rolls out of the ring. Orton gets him back in for the punch but Barrett pulls Cena out and attacks him to get Orton disqualified. Orton goes nuts on Barrett but can’t fight off the rest of Nexus. When Cena tries to help Barrett gets on the mic to stop him. Barrett, of course, names Cena the special guest ref for Survivor Series. And the twist is predictable. If Barrett doesn’t win the title… Cena is fired. If he does win it, Cena is free from Nexus.

Over on NXT, we get a Halloween costume contest. AJ looks great as a ninja turtle, Naomi is ridiculous as a Hamburger Helper hand. Aksana is the devil, but not really sexy. She seems like she should be sexy from her look, but she doesn’t actually have any sex appeal. Maxine is the ice queen but it’s Kaitlyn who wins with her costume and impression of Vickie Guererro. Even more ridiculous is that Maxine and Naomi wrestle in costume.

There will be an elimination next week, bringing us mercifully closer to the end of this fiasco. Back in season one I loved this show. Now? Flames, flames at the sides of my head. Aksana and Goldust also get married next week. Brie Bella takes on AJ as they tease Nikki becoming more aggressive and taking over for her in the match. It happens again here and Brie is not happy, despite winning.

Ted Dibiase and Maryse are here to get back the million dollar title. Competition #2 is a candy eating contest. Somebody’s fetish gets a lot more material from this segment. Hornswoggle shows up too. Maxine wins, but Hornswoggle may have eaten some of her candy. Kaitlyn “chokes” and we get a little person Heimlich.

So our main event is Dibiase and Maryse versus Goldust and Aksana. At least they are having main show storylines cross over to this one. Just don’t expect them to have any major storyline developments. Aksana actually pins Maryse, with a fluke roll-up that makes them both look weak. The battle for the belt is what matters and, of course, Aksana and Goldust escape with it.

I’ll be back later in the week with Smackdown and TNA. I haven’t seen any spoilers but I have a sinking feeling a Kane/Big Show feud is on the way.