Welcome to Daylight Savings Time. It was light when I got home. Pitch black on the way to the subway in the morning though. Wrestlemania is 20 days away as RAW begins. Tonight Sheamus puts his job on the line to try to win the US title. We have The Rock via satellite and we get to watch him have a fake phone conversation then diss a child Cena impersonator. This is weak sauce. Rock has to be nice to the kid and that’s not what I want to see from him right now. It’s when he turns his attention to The Miz that Rock gets serious and it’s far better. Rock promises he’ll be on a live RAW before Wrestlemania.
Snooki is the guest host. Most of what I know about her comes from SNL.
They have Cole in a plexiglass cell now. Sadly, there are air holes. He calls it his Cole Mine and it’s for his protection. Now we get The Miz out to respond. Rock’s dad and grandaddy were never WWE champion. And generally Rock sucks. The E-GM pipes up book Miz and Cena against opponents they have never faced before. Later tonight, Cena gets Del Rio. Miz gets… The Great Khali. Being as big as he is Khali is given a lot of offence against The Miz. Alex Reilly, who was supposed to have been fired, attacks Khali for the DQ but Miz absolutely brutalizes Khali with a steel chair after the match. Multiple shots to the back, one of which opens a small cut and we see some blood on WWE TV the only way we can, by accident.
We get a lengthy Triple H promo and still nobody is mentioning Trips already lost to Taker at Mania. Annoying interchange between Snooki and Vickie Guererro. These may be the two people I least want to see on WWE programming. Charlie Sheen would be a step up from this.
US Title Match time. This is a good match and it goes two segments. I’m really not sure where they are going with this so the outcome is unpredictable. When Bryan comes off the top rope straight into a Brogue Kick Sheamus becomes the new United States Champion. That was a completely clean win as well. No cheating of consequence in the entire match.
Cole takes to the ring promising his guest will reveal Lawler for what he really is. The guest is Brian Christopher, aka Brian Lawler aka Grand Master Sexay. Yes, Lawler son gets another WWE paycheck despite being a long time screw-up who blew all his other chances. I do love hearing “Bangin’ It” again but it’s on my MP3 player so it’s not like I rely on this rare guest appearance to hear it. Brian plays the neglectful dad card but he’s not exactly on fire on the microphone. Lawler calls him a bigger screw-up than Charlie Sheen. These two are showing no hint of insincerity in running each other down. Brian points out he wrestled at Mania before his daddy. Brian starts slapping and shoving his dad as Jerry just eyes him up from his chair. Cole continues to run down King when BOOMER SOONER it’s good ol’ JR! JR (Aka Jim Ross, long-time RAW announcer) tries to be the voice of reason and get Cole to back off. Apparently you can say “rat bastard” on TV. I actually am a rat bastard. My teenage biological mother was not married and I was born in 1972, during the Chinese year of the rat. JR starts taking off his coat and tie fixing to fight Cole. But Jack Swagger shows up, takes out Lawler and heads for JR. It’s an easy matter to beat down JR and he taps immediately in the Ankle Lock. Lawler recovers enough to try to make the save but the Ankle Lock does it again. Even Cole locks an Ankle Lock on JR. Dear lord that was long.
Randy Orton faces Mason Ryan to see if Punk will have anyone in his corner at Wrestlemania. My money is on Ryan. Ryan has an ugly new haircut. I’m wrong. Ryan loses to an RKO out of nowhere. The punt to the head looks terrible since it clearly hits the shoulder. Who knew The Corre would fare better than the New Nexus?
Flashback to the fun moment when Drew Carey entered the Royal Rumble. But that’s a pretty weak reason to induct him into the celebrity wing of the Hall of Fame. Snooki approves of Zack Ryder so I can’t totally hate her. But she’s connected to Vickie Guererro wrestling again so that’s a big strike. It’s a No-DQ match. So Lay-Cool run in and hand Vickie the match and a job. Is Trish going to wrestle at Mania or something? Then Snooki ends up in the fight and she and Trish get the upperhand. And remember kids, it takes years of training to do these moves. John Morrison is also involved, as is Dolph Ziggler and, yep, six-person mixed tag match at Wrestlemania. I bet both John and Dolph wish they still had a Money in the Bank match.
Main event: Alberto Del Rio (with Brodus Clay) faces John Cena. I would love to see Del Rio win, although it would have to be because of Miz-terference, but I’m not going to hold my breath. Del Rio is a great heel because the crowd is actually solidly behind Cena. It’s a good match and it’s competitive. But when Cena gets Del Rio set-up for the Attitude Adjustment Brodus Clay attacks him and we get an inconclusive DQ finish. The heels try to beat down Cena but The Rock’s music plays and The Miz comes out in a bald skullcap. Cena can’t fight off the other two and Miz hits him with a Rock Bottom. A brief three-way beatdown segues into Miz alone doing a solo assault. Miz uses a microphone as a weapon, When he rips his shirt off I’m reminded Miz has gotten into much better physical condition since he started out. He’s intimidate me if I met him. We tease a Cena recovery on the stage but a Skull Crushing Finale end that. Miz slamming Cena into the giant spinning W prop then another SCF on its base caps the show with Miz looking better and better every week. I’m sure he’s going to lose the title but he may be able to remain a star.
I’m invested in Wrestlemania but I did not need Snookie.
